Ragged moments struggling to get on top of frustration. A pacing rant yesterday. A bath. A cup of coffee. Pages written in fury. Bonnie Raitt was not required, and thank god, because the amount of effort required to find a device, cord, and ear apparatus would in all likelihood have flicked me right over the precipice that spooks my view…
(not to be too dramatic).
A sense of peace has been missing. A feeling of mattering. I can’t get into the details because I just can’t, but let me say the Puppy Debacle was the least of it. Snow falls and keeps falling. The holly sags. The arbor vitae breaks. I got dressed today, but I’m not sure why.
I made waffles for everyone midday (yes, with buttermilk and whipped egg whites), but didn’t eat any myself since I am off gluten (since December). That was the only time I saw C., who is home from Montreal for the week.
I remember sitting in a circle and falling into a delicious awareness where the fluttering of eyelids ceased and a muscular peace hustled in. I know — you think peace tiptoes in. Wrong. It is POWERFUL. In a circle formed with intention, peace can cause the room to POP and shift the nature of our interactions in a truly interesting way. I miss that. I miss that circle, too, because in it, I shone. We all did, according to our strengths. How did that happen? And more to the point, how could I let such an important part of my life go?
Simple… the Group ran its course. Two members moved to islands. Two to California.
This post could be a lament, but instead, I shall share two things that are really, really good… One, I have lost twelve pounds since Christmas. YEAH! Really – that is nearly 10% of my body weight and only a pound and a half from my goal weight. So, so relieved.
Two, I finished Barn II and will be shipping it off this week. This frees me up to do all the other work that has been occupying the margins. I can’t wait.
the barns are wonderful, dee! really, really.
Dang. I sure hope you get some sunshine and warmth. But most of all…peace.
The barns look so nice…and great in your place! Your words remind me of a book that is about synchronicity – circles and community (I can’t find my copy and can’t recall the title, or I’d give ya more to go on!).
Anyway, I wish you some warmth & peace.
congrats on your weight loss! keeping in shape and staying fit is getting more difficult as I grow older, too.
Barn II is Beautiful too;-)
Feels different from Barn I, more unrest in the barn-part. Not that that necessarily means anything; I like the barn left-overs, are they going to grow into barn 3?
Interesting what you say about peace being powerful.
I often get things wrong, because I think about them as an idea; not until I’ve experienced something like peace or love (or hatred for that matter) do I truly Know what it IS. I’m improving.
One might imagine hate being powerful, not realizing it most probably weakens one.
As for love, my dear husband always says when people say ‘Love makes one blind’ Ah, but you’re wrong there, for love makes one see the other as they truly are’
must be in the air this weekend Dee I have been wrangling with the allure of dark, it’s best to make something out of the fierce wildness or I end up doing a spinning Tasmanian devil dance like in the Bugs Bunny cartoons wreaking a trail of havoc in my wake!
Patricia and Annie – thanks! Sun is out today, making a remarkable difference.
Nancy – book sounds interesting… if you think of it, let me know. Deepak Chopra talks great, snappy things about synchronicity… but since I can’t find the little volume I’m thinking of, I’ll quote from another favorite of mine – Pema Chodron: “As people who want to live a good, full, unrestricted, adventurous, real kind of life, there is concrete instruction we can follow: see what is.”
Saskia – your humble comment about getting it wrong reminds me of that saying (is it from Twelve Step programs?!) : “Problems cannot be solved with the same level of thinking that created them.”
Actually, just looked it up – that’s Albert Einstein.
Mo – you too huh? I like that term, ‘fierce wildness’…
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