Felonious intent

Hither, thither and yon. Now I’m 62. Three birthday meals are plenty! Earrings, a bracelet, a length of shibori ribbon, and a felted scarf. One memoir. One phone call. A check. Tulips and chocolate. I’d say it was a banner year.

Oh, and I’m to order a dress and pair of shoes, courtesy of my sister. She insists. The shoes are pointy and printed with flowers. I love them. The dress is faux patchwork, but not in a cheesy way.

In other news, life pounds along. Hospital bed delivered today. New aide seems to be working out. Need for weekend help noted. Bank account blocked and funds transferred to new account. (“YOU GAVE THEM YOUR ROUTING NUMBER, TOO?!”) Online predators promising computer help. She didn’t know. We’re all of us, I think, at one time or another so desperate for tech help, we might do something equally stupid.

The misstep had me at Salem Five Bank this morning, power of attorney in hand. I was desperate to pee. Angel the clerk suggested that I go to CVS — contacting legal would take a minute anyhow. But lo! CVS toilet out of order. I think I yelped. Nearly dropped the popsicles and antihistamines gathered for my sister. We’re talking two cups of coffee. Almost an hour in the car. A bad stretch of bumpy road approaching Essex Street. On my way back to Salem Five, I looked around for possible places to relieve myself. A dirty but tall snow bank. A dumpster screened by a fence. I’ve peed in less dignified places.

Back at the counter, I asked Angel again. “Please? So I don’t have to pee behind the snow bank?” I used the word ‘mercy,’ but didn’t think to tie it to her name.

Angel was having none of it. She said, “The problem is we’d have to walk past the vault.”

Does comedy improve bladder function? Or heighten patience? Because I was suddenly fine.

Picture it: me, in a dusty black down coat that drapes to my ankles. A head of grey hair. Newly 62. So short my eyes are nearly level with Angel’s name plaque.

There must’ve been felonious intent written all over me, right?

All at once, I could imagine it. The most devious of heist planners sending someone precisely like me to plead for use of the toilet, playing the old lady card, just to gain access to the vault!

23 thoughts on “Felonious intent

  1. ravenandsparrow

    Ha ha, you sound pretty shifty to me. Old lady felons (I say this as someone older than you) always play the I-have-to-pee card. No vault is safe.

  2. Joanne

    There would have been “desperation” and tears. Deep sobbing. Real crooks. I assume everyone these days (on the internet offering help and the phone) is a crook.

  3. Nanette

    Your story has me grinning madly. I’ve resorted to ….well I’ll just going to have to pee on the floor…..that magically opens doors. Happy birthday.

    1. deemallon Post author

      Oh that’s a good line. Way better than suggesting that I was going to pee in the parking lot! And thanks for the bday wishes.

  4. Sue Batterham

    Glad you still have your sense of humour! I would probably have peed behind the dumpster. Happy Birthday, mine is coming up in 2 weeks but it’s the dreaded 69! Yelp!!!

    1. deemallon Post author

      The only problem with the dumpster was it sat at the base of a hill, at the top of which rose a 20 story apartment building. In full view. If I’d been more desperate, I would’ve done, though.

    1. deemallon Post author

      Got the beautiful elephant in the mail yesterday. Thank you! Snow is pending. I’m planning to be disappointed. There’s talk of freezing rain. Enjoy your day!

  5. Liz A

    Seriously? How does a bank not have a public restroom? And walking past the vault? Do they leave the door open, the better to enable their employees to help themselves on the way to the loo? Hopefully they at least restored your sister’s account in full.

    The absurdity of this reminded me of a story from the 1990s about a Virginia librarian who was arrested after making a sardonic comment about a bomb at an airport (hard to believe in these post-9/11 days). The full story is here https://www.dailypress.com/news/dp-xpm-19960814-1996-08-14-9608140107-story.html

    1. deemallon Post author

      The account business was handled without a hitch. Even the call to SSA today was painless to reroute her SSDI payment. That article was hilarious and apropos. Not so hilarious while going through it, though.

  6. Ginny

    Anger helps, laugher not so much. For peeing anyway. For birthdays it’s the opposite. Keep that great sense of humor and stay tuned for a little something in the mail from me. ❤️ Happier easier roads ahead.


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