A beautiful day to vote

Deb was right. Voting was a surefire pick-me-up. Voting was in fact so exciting it overrode my usual reserve and I found myself reaching out to a fellow voter.

“My vote has never felt more important,” she said. Yes! Yes! Even here in Massachusetts.

After depositing our ballots, fellow voter and I talked about — what else? — the weather. She loves the fall. I love the fall. She grew up in Cuba. I was born in Massachusetts. Summers are hotter here, she said. Ocean breezes making a difference.

(Will my brother be able to vote? Will Barrett throw the election to trump, having after all, worked on the Bush v Gore matter?). Never mind that for now.

It is a spectacular fall day. Crisp and blue-skied. And voting brings satisfaction.

And now it’s back to work. Postcards to Voters in Pennsylvania and editing the middle years (1740 to 1743).

Is it raining?

I wake and remember the sound of rain. How familiar its splashy percussion, how not.

“Is it raining?” I ask the already dressed partner, incoming for a kiss before he descends to brew coffee, amend contracts. These days the sky withholds. The earth dries. With hurricanes pounding, surging, blowing in from the Gulf, it is perhaps unseemly to complain. With the West ablaze after a near decade of severe drought, what’s my plaint?

The forests in New England are in trouble.

We get the storm forecasts per usual. The usual build up. A sky darkening its announcement for an hour or two, depending. Then the whipping of leaves, the canopy gone frenetic signaling time is near. A certain smell to the air. Finally, the rain. It plops and then pours. Or it plops, then stops. If it does pour, so often now the slants of rain fall only briefly — gone just as one expects to settle in for a long dousing. Its like getting to the brink of orgasm and folding in on oneself, inexplicably, without release. The Middlesex Fells parched. For the first time, I water the line of arbor vitae and the golden chain tree. We lost a pine at the lot line already. Its slow decline was so painful to witness, I was relieved when it finally gave up the ghost. A failed purchase. A failed effort. A failed weather pattern.

So, it’s an honest question, just upon waking this morning, “Is it raining?”

One son moves to the edge of the Pacific on Friday. He can ride his bike this week, but couldn’t last, a particular shame when speeding around Los Angeles on two wheels serves as one, maybe the only, compensation for the confines of Covid. The other son considers becoming a firefighter. Informs himself. How can he want to approach those wicked front lines, those unpredictable, deadly infernos? The Rockies don’t get as much mention as the far West, but Glenwood Canyon fills with smoke and counts as one of twenty current, record-breaking fires in Colorado’s history. Measured by acreage burned. The twenty worst. Burning, right now.

Two years ago we cancelled a reservation to Buena Vista on account of the smoke. The cell towers out. What kind of vacation would that have been? But of course now, two seasons into a pandemic, staring down a third, any flight from home looks exotic. What would a little smoke have been?

No one quite knows how to think about the holidays or the coming winter. Winter in New England, Boston-style — dark at 3:30; lots of shitty slush (as opposed to light bearing snow); the hazards of ice.

I’ll bake cookies anyway, I decide, and mail them West. Of course, I will! But where will I buy the essential pecans, the prime ingredient in Mimi Balls and the elegant Pinwheels when Costco offers the best pricing and I don’t want to go there!

A plan seems necessary. I won’t display the nutcrackers. No. It’ll be a tree and wreath Christmas. No corny gingham, balsam-filled bears on the mantel or Christmas Tree Shop bells hanging from doorknobs. No vintage Santas clustered around the glitter-dusted cardboard villages.

There is some relief in this. Not at the drying woods, the paltry emails and texts in lieu of presence, but in not entertaining. All those ridiculous last minute $90 runs to the grocery store, after already spending $200 — for a single meal! So much finesse at the stove to get all the food to the table warm. And because I’m the one dedicated to the archive but can’t focus on those nights, no more disappointment at the blurry family faces at a table nicely set, if only you could see it.

And then the mess after! The outright refusal to serve company coffee because by then I’m in near collapse and somehow I never quite conveyed to husband that, in addition to bringing up the folding chairs and stocking the liquor cabinet, maybe he could and should handle the coffee.

“Is it raining?” I’m confused. And, weary of disappointment. How debilitating the collection of climate crisis evidence — the golden, fallen arbor vitae fans raked into mounds. The smell of rain-saturated earth infrequent.

The anguish about it all is so pervasive and so multi-directional in source, it’s almost impossible to believe that one nightmare (out of four?) might end in 21 days.

If animated, our scene would feature the rabbit, the giant chicken, or coyote running toward a desired object, circles to depict speeding legs. But then, the perspective would stretch and stretch, its fantastical elongation making the attainment of the goal unlikely, even as our character runs his booty off.

“Is it raining?” The confusion of elements. The upset of order — not just storm patterns and the rules of the Senate (what rules, you ask, bewildered). Not just holidays and traditions undone by disease, children run off, death at everybody’s door, but time itself. A casualty. The distortion of time seems to conspire with the bad guys. “Will it ever be over?” we ask in collective anguish.

“Is it raining?” A delicate, hopeful question. It could just be the wind, after all.

The Native American art book pulled out in honor (not) of Columbus. It opens to a crouching, naked, mask-wearing man. Perhaps one who knew how to embody the other, to seek out animals as sources of wisdom, who understood that our relative place in the Universe is insignificant. Not a top-down-take-what-you-can-colonialism. Rather, a webbing interconnection. Kneeling, praying, donning the mask of Raven, hoping devoutly, perhaps, to channel just a fraction of bird knowledge, a whisper of bird freedom, a glimpse at bird perspective.

Is it EVER going to end? The willingness to rip everyone off. The deceit. The flagrancy of violations, the cheapness of human life. It has recently become too much to bear.

And why? Three weeks is not so long a time. Even if armed Proud Boys storm the polls, the good guy might win (she tells herself). Even if our Toad of an AG has slipped off the national stage, not to recover from Covid, but to plot a coup, the good guy might win. Right? Even if the incompetent judges appointed by His Corrupt Highness uphold voter suppression the good guy really could win, and win big, even if those judges don’t stop at mere voter suppression but feel compelled to go one step further and declare a single ballot drop box for a vast Texan county an act of ‘facilitating the vote.’ Even then.

We want to bow down to the Georgians who waited six, eight, eleven hours to vote — as if it were somehow celebratory when it is tyranny made manifest. But let’s talk about a hypothetical packing of the courts, okay?

Is it ever gonna end? The drumbeat of coarse invective, the rampant lying — lying, by the way, not merely in service of smudging the facts, but dedicated to turning truth inside out (a single drop box facilitates the vote). The demise of institutions, so many in the press taking every piece of red meat tossed their way. It all makes it hard to believe we will ever be free of them, of a minority so vile as to require entire paragraphs to list the sources of their infamy.

If only we could be as the old, wise ones. The ones who came before. To take flight. To thrust one’s body and hollow bones into the sky. To energetically defy gravity and then relax into the thermal currents. To see the world from there.

Oh, what a dream! What a dream!

New Mantra … If / Then

Finished last night

If my brother can do three hours of grueling PT/OT/Speech therapy a day, I can get my ass on the stationary bike for 20 minutes.

Real woven strips. Faux weaving, too

If my brother can recovery from a hemorraghic stroke, I can finish the goddamn edits on my manuscript.

Three shirts. A dress I bought in Denver. Thread and cloth from Deb Lacativa

Reminder: there are good times to consult the internet about health issues and bad times. Today about broke me.

Not quite what I did, but predicted this did I not?
It’s boxed up and ready to be shipped to LA
It’s November cold out today

Insomniac’s Rabbit Hole

When I wasn’t asleep at midnight, I started reading twitter (don’t @ me). The comedian Bill Burr’s opening on SNL was getting a lot of commentary. A lot. So when I still wasn’t asleep an hour later, I came down and watched it.

Source of controversy: his criticisms of white women.

The failure to acknowledge how we benefit from white supremacy. The way we take over social justice movements and want credit for being “woke” when we are anything but. (Even using the word “woke” for ourselves being, of course, an offense.) Our Gucci boots (huh?)

One prominent Black woman I follow declared it hilarious (Roxane Gay @rgay). Another noted that you could practically recite his reading list based on it. Tressie McMillan Cottom pointed out his Black wife.

White women in the comments were attacked for taking offense and further, the offense was offered up as proof of the validity of Burr’s critique. And of course, to complain about this would be centering the conversation on white women’s feelings. Instead of, I don’t know, having an opinion?

Here’s the thing. I don’t take issue with his observations about white women. At all. Our history speaks for itself, particularly our relationships to and within political circles. Pretty bad.

We were all reminded of this recently during the look backs at Suffrage — an ignominious chapter of activism when white women excluded Black women from leadership roles and from the very goal of achieving the vote. The decision to segregate a Suffrage parade in DC was particularly cringe-worthy.

Wells-Barnett had no intention of abiding by the rules segregating the parade. She stood on the sidelines until the marchers from Chicago passed, then fearlessly, she stepped to the front of the procession.

The Washington Post, August 2020

But this?

I just didn’t find it funny. I don’t need to compare him to either Louis CK or Dave Chappelle to back up a claim of tone deafness or even assert tone deafness. I just didn’t think it was funny.

And I’ll go one step further and assert this: my not finding it funny says jack all about where I land on the ally-spectrum.

What WAS hilarious was Burr’s take on Bostonians in a faux Sam Adams ad.

After a hike in the Middlesex Fells and a nap under my weighted blanket, I feel restored!


Today my brother is being transferred to a rehab facility. In a pique of helplessness, I ordered him a diffuser and some jasmine oil — to elevate his mood? When what he needs are electrical stimulators or computer driven exercise devices?

His impatience to GET ON WITH IT will serve him well and it may not necessarily shorten the length of his recovery. So much remains up in the air.

Listening to old Tippet interview with Vincent Harding on dog walk. A few takeaways:

  • To label the justice movement as one centering on “civil rights” is to fall very short of MLK Jr’s vision of the “beloved community.”
  • Stories are essential
  • We need to seek out our wise elders

The commotion of limb removal next door, believe it or not, refreshes my grief at Michelle’s passing. Even tho she lived in Manhattan and I dwell in a leafy suburb, we both frequently felt assaulted by noise. My commiserator in chief. I still can’t believe she’s gone.

Re-reading passages from Virginia Woolf’s diaries this week, a little light bulb went on. Here’s my insight: Jude Hill has a distinctly Woolfian sensibility and that may be why I felt so instantly drawn to her. Listen:

  • All I mean to make is a note of a curious state of mind.
  • My theory being the actual event practically does not exist — nor time either.
  • I wrote this partly in order to slip the burden of writing narrative
  • I want to sort out all the ideas that have accumulated in me.

The complete collection of Woolf’s novels got away from me at some point. I regret that. Reading her in college was like opening a door to myself. Big time.

Confession: I once took a pack of colored pencils to a copy of The Waves and appropriately highlighted all the color words. I’m sure I had a reason.

Interestingly, I now prefer more “straight up” narratives. A product of aging no doubt. Ask me if I care.

British crime novels, it is!

No really, I’m working my way through Kate Atkinson’s Jackson Brody series.

Sibling insurance questions call. Redux.