March | 2013 | Pattern and Outrage : Dee Mallon

cage and powder

Ragged moments struggling to get on top of frustration. A pacing rant yesterday. A bath. A cup of coffee. Pages written in fury. Bonnie Raitt was not required, and thank god, because the amount of effort required to find a device, cord, and ear apparatus would in all likelihood have flicked me right over the precipice that spooks my view…

(not to be too dramatic).

A sense of peace has been missing. A feeling of mattering. I can’t get into the details because I just can’t, but let me say the Puppy Debacle was the least of it. Snow falls and keeps falling. The holly sags. The arbor vitae breaks. I got dressed today, but I’m not sure why.

green vest

I made waffles for everyone midday (yes, with buttermilk and whipped egg whites), but didn’t eat any myself since I am off gluten (since December). That was the only time I saw C., who is home from Montreal for the week.

Purple door

I remember sitting in a circle and falling into a delicious awareness where the fluttering of eyelids ceased and a muscular peace hustled in. I know — you think peace tiptoes in. Wrong. It is POWERFUL. In a circle formed with intention, peace can cause the room to POP and shift the nature of our interactions in a truly interesting way. I miss that. I miss that circle, too, because in it, I shone. We all did, according to our strengths. How did that happen? And more to the point, how could I let such an important part of my life go?

Simple… the Group ran its course. Two members moved to islands. Two to California.

This post could be a lament, but instead, I shall share two things that are really, really good… One, I have lost twelve pounds since Christmas. YEAH! Really – that is nearly 10% of my body weight and only a pound and a half from my goal weight. So, so relieved.

Two, I finished Barn II and will be shipping it off this week. This frees me up to do all the other work that has been occupying the margins. I can’t wait.