Category Archives: Suicide

No more cloud storage!

Going back through one’s camera roll can be treacherous at the best of times. We might feel nostalgia or regret or find ourselves acknowledging that time passes. We are all mortal. But to go through a camera roll eight months after you lose a child is a hellacious quagmire. Even avoiding Boulder and holidays and graduations there’s no escaping the loss.

Case in point: for one job application (the Parks Service?), Danny needed to provide proof that he’d been diagnosed with ADHD. I took screenshots from academic intervention papers and sent them along. There are IEP’s, 504’s, psych evals, letters from neurologists, follow-ups on medication, occupational therapy notes, and on and on. I made a point of also sharing the screen shot showing his IQ. It was 135.

I was surprised by the descriptions of his behavior in the classroom because it included humming and grinding of teeth, which I don’t remember at all.

But I certainly remember how hyperkinetic he was, how driven by movement. Sometimes he literally bounced off the walls. We learned at some point that swinging and doing flips were self-soothing for people with sensory integration issues, which put a bunch of his passions into perspective. 

I remember a time when Danny went on a sleepover with Cary and the friend‘s mother called me at around 10 to say, “He won’t stop doing flips off the top bunk. Can you come get him?”

Classic Danny. I found that flip-at-the-lake photo (above) this morning.

To be faced yet again with how much struggle Danny endured — years and years of it — made me sad of course, but it also reminded why he couldn’t hang on, which is weirdly relieving.

I mean, imagine having an IQ of 135 and not being able to sound out basic words in third grade. Imagine going through high school with that much intelligence and being relegated to the dumb-dumb classes.

In one of his suicide notes Danny wrote, “after a lifetime of restless doubt and anxiety, I just don’t wanna do it anymore.”

In another note Danny thanked Ken and me for a happy childhood and added, “I know I was difficult.”

Yes. Yes, you were Danny. And how we loved you anyway!

I will soon share some of Danny’s writing from last year where he talks about how important skateboarding was to him and why. And also why, after breaking his left arm twice, the loss of it was so, so devastating.

Context: too many pictures and a refusal to pay for more cloud storage. I’m on a photo-deleting rampage. I’ll download them all to an external hard drive this afternoon to take some of the pressure off.

Note #1 to self (just back from the MFA, where the gift shop did me in) — avoid Christmas displays. Especially darling ornaments.

Note #2 to self — Triggers are everywhere. That nature show about tigers that you thought would afford distraction? Ha! When Mama Tiger lost two of her cubs to a ravenous male, I had to leave the room.

Silence, Oct ‘26

A fist. In it, stale air and a broken, cheap ring.

Here the treasure is letting go, fingers unfurling and letting the crap metal hit the floor.

I thought I was better than this.

How could I prize such junk and hold onto it so tightly? Grievance. Tallies of let downs. Replays of injurious conversations.  

Rather than marking my scoreboard in some imaginary race to virtue, I’d like to kneel beside a fast-moving mountain stream and drop my miseries in. I’d watch them be hurled away downstream before the plop of their landing even reached my ears.

I wonder how my heart would feel were such unloading possible. I mean the literal heart – the muscle which flutters now and then but mostly reliably pumps under my clavicle, sending oxygenated blood to the body and the brain. The anatomical heart, which by the way, can also be broken by grief.

I might weigh less, unburdened by the X’s and O’s of tired comeuppance, freeing myself of the voluminous notes outlining my imagined superiority.

I could see it going two ways.

In one scene, I dump the burdens and then leap up, aglow with freedom — the freedom to love, the freedom to imagine otherwise, the freedom to remember glad scenes.

In the other version, I tip from my squatting position headfirst into the rushing waters and surrender — a final ablution and why not?

Which is not to say I am nothing without my scabs and scars and still oozing wounds, but rather that once those patches and gashes of pain are rendered less animate, maybe I could let go even more. 

I keep writing things that sound like I want to die and maybe I do, actually, but I am not suicidal. To the worrywarts in my circle, please note this critical difference.

Do I hear from my dead son?

Is that him in this feather or that owl hooting across the midnight hour? Do all these people claiming authority really know about life after death or do they just allow their wanting and their longing to get comfortable – here desperate ones, have a cup of coffee and a pillow and go ahead and speak as if you know something.

He still loves you, they say. He is constantly near, they say. Talk to him, they insist, he’s listening.

But what if silence is silence and silence is stripped of meaning, any and all biography wiped away, and can be leant into hard but not for comfort and certainly not with any expectation of a voice rising up out of it and easing my devastation.

What if silence is his final gift?

My ears are ringing these days. Ring! Ring! Probably too much sugar or vinegar or coffee or who knows what. Early, midday, late, this slight rushing in the head makes me feel as if I traverse a long, long tunnel inhabited only by my fearful body and a malignant wind.

Makes silence feel like a pretty good gift, actually.

Can I plug my ears and hold my nose and go underwater somewhere and let the undead haggle over my soul and be born again? 

Not in that way, but in some way — where the only anointing would be done with silence?

The silence he created by leaving. The silence crafted by his departure. The silence he left me with.

Written to a prompt on 10/13/26

Early October Saturday

Beauty abides. There is comfort in this.

Weekly protests matter even if small. I sat this one out in the coffee shop across the street.

There a friend and I talked about a journalist named Ryan Hatch and his discovery of Danny’s obituary through a CU alumnae magazine. What a sensitive response! It knocked me down, honestly.

https://ryanhatch.co/company-blog/2026/9/28/about-daniel-potochnik

Some of you have read it already.

One of my main takeaways is this: we do not know what our legacy will be. The fact that Danny’s life, including his love of Stephen King, moved a perfect stranger to such eloquence is amazing to me.

I hope kindness is part of my legacy. I hope my acts of generosity and sharing of insight will offset the impatience and frothing rants that punctuate my days.

Something to think about.

In closing, let me say that the Jack Smith memes on threads almost make the poisonous idiocy of this week’s hearing before the Senate worthwhile. Here are a few.

PS In one of the posts Jetpack spit up in the memory batch yesterday, there was one that referenced Danny calling to tell us (on October 4, seven years ago) that it was snowing hard in Boulder. I will forever miss these kinds of updates.

Start with a labyrinth

TL,DR: the pantheon is fucking up by letting my son die and DJT live.

Ariadne. Where are you? I’m lost. Or is your thread–cheat only for male warriors with an agenda?

Eros? Have you lost your mind? Every memory of my departed son is saturated with love, I mean grief, I mean love.

Diana, could you please get it together and take down the orange beast who threatens the well-being of all? No need to offer his head on a platter, just slay the fucker. One arrow. Please.

Persephone! I saw you there at the edge of the field of summer, disappearing in one fell tug. Hades must’ve grabbed you by the ankles. I wonder does the violent descent get easier with practice?

Does love, I mean grief, I mean love, get easier with practice? And what even is practice? It’s temporal. It’s repetition across time.

All practice leads to death.

Chronos. Have you anything to say about the merciless rigors of time? You say you’re neutral but we all know you pal around with the Grim Reaper.

Why is that bloviated menace still alive while my handsome son with the gracious smile is not?

Maybe stumbling clueless through the labyrinth is the better way to go – every bruise informing the next direction. Go left! Bump. No, go right!

If Hades can steal a youthful girl for a season of rape, why can’t he kidnap an 80-year-old man and dish him some of his own medicine and by his own medicine I mean, of course, rape?

I thought you gods were into retribution, just and unjust punishments, and hungry sexual predation.

Just ask Leda. 

I swept dead leaves from the curb in preparation of this week’s storm. Heavy rain carries debris from the roadside and deposits it on the storm drain down the street. The innocent flow of water down the hill will create a lake if it’s clogged and if there’s a lake, there’s a good chance water will seep into our basement.

Some storms you can prepare for. Others, merely witness. 

To be present while one’s child, craftily and in mute despair, marches to his own self-inflicted death is a torture that I wish on no one. 

Well, maybe one someone, except that sick someone is so very without heart, I’m not sure that if his namesake offed himself he’d even care. I mean, the fat turd didn’t even attend the kid’s wedding.

Penelope wove and undid and wove and undid, sitting at the loom of worried expectation. She didn’t know if Odysseus, her somewhat scurrilous, conceited husband, would return.

When you read the epic poem knowing the outcome, the waiting seems trivial. We forget: she did not know.

Same with all those movies set in the early 40’s in France and England with a neighboring monster on a eugenic rampage. They did not know who would emerge the victor.

We did not know our son had bought a gun. We did not know he would really end his life. We worried and listened to the wind. We offered words of hope, delivered plates of apple slices with cinnamon.

He was having none of it. If he was Theseus, he would’ve run with unerring accuracy right into the maw of the monster. Go right! Yes, now go left!

That monster had been dogging him for years.

Sweeping up dead leaves is one thing, offering pumpkin bread and hugs to a high school friend of your dead son is another.

“We were a lot of us desperate,” he tells me. He tells me, “I went to Denver and I called and I called and he didn’t answer.”

This young man, now the age that my dead son will forever be, is getting married next year and even though I’ve only just met him, I want to be invited.

All the passages now foreclosed to our second born.

How do you even name your new circumstance? “Raised two boys. One of California, one formerly of Colorado.” That’s one new bio. That damn word count!

When the rain gets heavy this weekend, I will pray for my boy. Pray that he rests in the shelter of his own expanded self. Pray that the suffering he so doggedly encountered in life, has fallen away, leaving him pure essence, pure intelligence, pure heart.

America is dying by suicide too by the way.

So go ahead, put our dear leader’s name on the Ford Theater and then maybe by some mojo or other, he’ll share Lincoln’s demise. Can I even say that here or will some Palantir search engine find me and take me down?

Ask me if I care, Athena, but perhaps lend me your shield.

Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer

I’ve signed up to get her daily poems. It’s a treat every morning to open up my email and read her words. This was from this morning (recall that she lost her son, Finn, to suicide some years back).

Dear Heart,

I remember those months 
when you were naked, 
when the pain was so great
and you were so tender
not even the flimsiest

slip of protection would stay on.
This was how I learned
your true state—
raw, porous, vulnerable—
the only place in which love grows.

How did I ever think
I could protect you from pain?
Why did I ever believe
that that was the goal?
As if breaking is not inevitable.

As if loving doesn’t
always involve a flood, 
a drought, a drowning, 
a dearth, a blessing. 
Now, no matter how many 

layers I try to wrap you in—
there is no not knowing
that your emptiest, loneliest, 
places are also worthy 
of love. 

Now, I have learned to be grateful
that even when I wrap you
in an armor of busy-ness
or coats of competency, 
you are always naked underneath. 

—Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer