Yesterday, I was too unsettled to focus and coming down with K’s cold, so I cleaned a little. Dusted our big corner cupboard. Rearranged things. This always satisfies me.

And lo! I discovered a SECOND Aquarian Tarot deck. Noreen’s spare. Not the one worn with frequent use that I passed along to Deb, but an almost pristine version. I was shocked and pleased to count 78 cards.

(I made that little cloth case years ago).

Today, I’m more sick. So much awful barking and coughing last night. I’ll watch old Vera episodes and eat the leftover potato leek soup and perhaps not much else.

What I WON’T do is listen to any of the 87 messages discovered cached in Comcast voicemail. Didn’t know they were there. Yesterday, I listened to a few from summer and fall of 2016. I don’t know which was harder, my sister’s child-like reports designed to gain my approval or her ridiculous wrath about my inadequacies.

I never wanted to be her mother.

(I DID use some pink thread, after all).

23 thoughts on “Unsettled

  1. Anonymous

    No. Those messages have stayed put all this time. The emotional toil of working through them would not help your present state of mind. Pull a few of those cards and just study them, independent of your now. You need ease.

    1. deemallon Post author

      I agree, Deb. It would just stir shit up. Also I’d want to look at a calendar and see what might’ve been behind some of her feeling pressured by me. Was it getting ready for the bed big guy that I scheduled and for which she refused to properly prepare, requiring that I spend another part of another morning rescheduling? Now it’s a project, you know? Maybe delete is the way to go.

      1. joanne

        I would take some cough medicine and then sit and delete all of them- you didn’t know they existed- so let them go. Deb is right about stirring up shit. Will take a long time for it all to settle again.

        1. deemallon Post author

          Thanks for chiming in Joanne. I think I will delete them so I won’t be tempted down the road. The first anniversary of my sister’s death is in the horizon. That’s enough to deal with.

  2. RainSluice

    Sorry you got the cold. oh, the wisdom of others here already speak my mind as well; messages like those are probably the sh*t piles you don’t need to step in ever again? A tarot reading could tie you to that love she carried for the worlds we have yet to explore. use your own cards 😉

  3. Nancy

    I’m with the others, delete and don’t look back. You did more than enough while she was alive, there is nothing to learn or gain from wallowing in the mire again. Sometimes cutting loose is the better way, for even that can be done in love, love for self. Rest and get well. xo

  4. ravenandsparrow

    I’m sorry you are catching the cold. Get well soon. The voicemails are like an unlanced abcess. I am usually in favor of facing the crap in my life as best I can, but that doesn’t mean that now is the time or that the voicemails will be the best vehicle for investigation for you.

  5. Liz A

    Dang, I just mis-swiped and my comment vaporized … obviously I said too much!

    So, I second the many motions to delete the messages and to enjoy the pristine deck in its stitched bag

  6. Tina

    You have spend many hours healing yourself from that difficult time .. delete delete delete. Your sister will be with you forever in so many ways. The last 6 months maybe even in good way as you have treasured some of her belongings and gifted others. You’re on a true path of healing .. I would encourage you to continue moving in that direction. Blessings ..

  7. Acey

    Were those your sister’s Lemurian crystals? They’re quite lovely against the fabric and all on their own luminosity

    hopefully by the time you see this you have long since deleted. Why re-traumatize yourself?

    1. deemallon Post author

      The crystals were hers, yes. She had a big collection of them. I don’t even know how to sign in for the messages so no risk of going there.

  8. snicklefritzin43

    Dee, I am here in Montana barking and coughing all night for the last six nights. No more fever, but so tired and needing many naps. Soon it could depart and I would be ever so thankful. Creating, writing letters so challenging for me when this not so often dilemma visits me.
    Thinking about some new work and ideas for three in-process pieces and getting that to the sketchbook.
    I cannot imagine the place you went with hearing for the first time messages left by your sister; how surprising and unexpected that must have been. WOW!!
    In peace,

    1. deemallon Post author

      Kristin — get better soon! I’m only on day three and think I’ve turned a corner but still dead tired. I would love to know more about what you’re working on.

      1. snicklefritzin43

        Dee, My work has always gone best for me if I feel the project, sketch, gather pieces and begin. Each piece has a life of its own and I don’t share process as that always seems to take the creative wind from my sails. I will share with you a piece that should finish the end of March, then there’s a large piece for my Physical Therapist, another piece for the front office of my three physical therapists, and four challenge pieces for my local textile group that will all reveal by the end of May and be in our annual summer show. I will remember that you’d like to see them and will send in an email. I am not much for posting my art and poetry on the internet.


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