The “I’m okay” mantra

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I’m dyeing cloth with indigo

and I’m okay

even when the rubber bands drive me nuts, snapping and twisting the wrong way.

I’m okay

when I forget to change into my crap sneakers before dyeing and drip dye on my feet, turning some of my toes blue.

Seriously, who cares?

When my chest hurts remembering the suit that Danny dropped off to be tailored and then never picked up 

because he died, I’m okay. 

When I recall how strenuously we hoped that dropping off a suit to be tailored meant he wanted to live, grief grabs my throat and gives it a squeeze, but I think

I’m okay. 

I’m still breathing aren’t I? Even if it hurts to breathe, I’m still breathing. 

(It’s still there, I think, Danny’s suit, at that store in Boulder).

When I’m torn up trying to compose a eulogy — wondering how you sum up a person? — wondering how to introduce the adult son to folks who only knew him as a child or teen — as hard as it is, I’m okay.

What I share to others will be okay and when the time comes if I can’t get through it, that’ll be okay too.

I don’t want to cook. For days now. Even though food usually offers grounding movements, decisions, anticipations, all driven by a healthy hunger

I’m okay.

When I couldn’t focus on pricing for lenses at the eye doctor on Friday I left, knowing it was okay,

knowing I didn’t have to tell him why.

When I cry reading a text from one of Danny’s friends out loud, I’m okay. They love him too. 

They love him too. 

When I go to bed, exhausted but unwilling to surrender to the night, I’ll manage. I’ll read a little longer. 

I’m okay. 

17 thoughts on “The “I’m okay” mantra”

  3. Marti

    My mind is running in all directions these days but I had to come here. When I read this, in my head I heard the late marvelous British actress Maggie Smith of Downton Abbey say, “What is a weekend? So I ask, when one is grieving, What is okay?

    Okay is whatever it takes to get thru the day, treating ourselves with care and kindness, giving ourselves grace, to feel how we feel at any given moment, Okay is letting ourselves deal with whatever comes in however it comes and making no apologies for how we do so. Okay is not having all of the answers and letting ourselves still ask the questions or not. Most of all, it is okay to not feel okay for sorrow is such a huge space to be in.

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  4. Ginny

    You are okay. I will say it with you. You ARE okay. It will be OKAY. You need to take care of you a lot now. Please do. I wish we
    We’re closer! Go get a massage. A pedicure. Small pleasures. Buy some end of season plants.

    Horrible to think that we will all be together with our loved ones soon enough. Too soon.

    So try and taste a bit of the sweetness of life – if not for you, for them. You ARE okay. 💔 and you are loved.

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    1. deemallon Post author

      Thank you Ginny. I like the manicure and massage idea. Problem is I have to have the energy to find someone and make an appointment. Thanks for chiming in with such love.

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  5. Tina Zaffiro

    Yes you’re Okay doing your very best is okay.
    Your latest indigo piece is better than okay right along with everything Marti wrote. Man oh man that Marti and her words never disappoint. I’m not nearly as smart or educated as many of you here .. but that’s okay. Just being okay is okay.

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  7. Rainsluice

    sending love, Dee. And tears, too. You are true to your own life and you share that with us, no matter how it feels, no matter what day we read it – your words are true deeply so. I think the most gentle form of truthfulness is how your writing reveals your truth – to me and clearly to so many others here. A great gift for all.

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