We sold his bike for $500
And I just want him back.
We gave away most of his books, the rest sit in piles in his old room
And I just want him back.
We sent the student loan people his death certificate and canceled the credit cards and subscriptions and stopped automatic renewals —
every transaction proof of life.
Gone.
Beautiful indigo-dyed linen now cloaks the box of his ashes — cloth embroidered with his name and birth and death dates.
“Danny, March 16, 1996–2026.”
No decisions about service or gravesite. There’s a big emptiness there — one that usually doesn’t matter. We are two lapsed Catholics who never adopted an alternate tradition.
People who might come are spread all over the country or dead themselves. And what is this town to me? To his father or brother?
And anyway, I don’t really want a stone or a lovely service
I just want him back.
We’ll sell his car in June for 10 or 12 grand and I could care less.
I just want him back.
We’ve downloaded all his photos to the computer and someday I’ll look but not now, definitely cannot look now.
I took screenshots of some playlists on Spotify before cancellation, but I can’t listen, not now.
I just want him back.
I write about him every day and say his name, Danny, Danny, Danny, but am I supposed to be satisfied with the ephemeral when I can still recall his thick hair and beautiful skin and handsome smile? That almost loping walk?
He has no body now.
It was often windy in Longmont in early March, so now it’s as if the wind here harasses me — no longer a result of temperature and pressure but rather a cruel reminder of those final haunted hours.
Don’t get me started on train whistles.
He’s never, ever coming back.
I don’t need to be happy ever again. That’s not it.
I just want him back.
PS I know it’s too early to even contemplate acceptance. I know it’s too early to get past my sense of responsibility. Danny’s death is still so very, very shocking. The rawness of this grief colors everything right now. But I know that down the road, things will look different.
PPS I cried watching the last Colbert show. What are we even doing?
