Category Archives: writing

June 5 stream. Rant or Lament? You decide

Written on 6/5/25 to the prompt: Suddenly, she’d forgotten…

In my neighborhood

Suddenly she’d forgotten how to pay the bills, missed the feel of coins at the bottom of her purse and the ease of inserting one into a meter. She didn’t know where to find their retirement accounts online or how to enter them if she did. Except it wasn’t sudden, was it? The gradual usurpation of pen, ink, envelopes, and stamps worked to her detriment. The last time she’d been in charge of paying the bills, the checkbook, with its tactile register and reassuring march of check numbers and dates, had been at the center.

Passwords were the bane of many people’s existences and she was no exception. Everything she did to make life more streamlined – facial recognition on her phone, passwords stored on her phone, credit card numbers stored on her phone – also made her vulnerable. And that was last year. Who knew what DOGE’s data-scraping and now Palantir’s insertion into government would do?

Longtermism was explained in horrifying detail in The Atlantic article she read before getting out of bed. It was so stunningly elitist a philosophy and so lacking in empathy and so embedded with the levers of power, that it’s amazing she got out of bed. It’s also amazing she didn’t stomp on her phone just like that heavy-booted villain in last night’s murder mystery which – talk about horrifying — she can’t remember the title of or the setting of, just the memory of that black boot stomping the protagonist’s phone to shards. “What then?” she asks for him. “What now,” she asks for everyone else.

She knows to turn facial recognition off when she flies and for once she’s grateful how invisible old women are, especially very short old women. The specter of being found out as a Trump-hating-elitist-east coast-liberal haunts her now and amplifies the years-old questions – Why blog? What is the point? Now instead of being mystified by people who have zero internet footprint, she envies them.

So many specters to face! The specter of widowhood and having suddenly to pay the bills and manage the accounts and pay the taxes. She only hopes she dies first – in her sleep, suddenly and painlessly, of course. The specter of white nationalism and criminalized miscarriages and bird flu and now – who knew? – the advance of a flesh-eating fly coming up from Panama.

You’d think longtermers would accelerate our response to the climate crisis. But no, these selfish pricks would rather, with their billions of dollars and mega-egos, hallucinate about colonizing Mars or about manufacturing islands as paradise-like as they are exclusive. Burning peons for fuel gets closer and closer to the national agenda.

It’s one thing to watch Gestapo Barbie, blinking furiously, define habeus corpus as the exact opposite of what it is or to see the wide-eyed freak-show heading the FBI casually and duplicitously declare that the budget will get done when it gets done after he talks to some people. It’s another thing altogether to watch Russ Vought, Project 2025 author and current head of the OMB, in full sentences and with smug authority declare why HE has not submitted a budget. His chilling narrative implies that the Impoundment Clause of the Constitution doesn’t matter anymore and why not? Because he says so, I guess.

Destruction is the name of the game.

I wish HE was a robotic clone who could be powered down by some secret cabal of MIT zoomers.

Who will save us? What will be left when this regime is at last toppled?

Chris Murphy’s new beard turns him into the age’s soothsayer – the truth-telling King of Swords slashing the air with his blade. “Focus,” he shouts, “on what they’re doing NOW, because there may not be 2026 elections.”

Installation celebrating early free Black community in Massachusetts. Walden Woods

The Atlantic article referred to is here. I learned about the flesh-eating flies in the recent Atlantic as well.

Insomnia collages from first week of June

 

Passage from 1/1/2024

This morning, I found a few pieces of yellow paper with this scribbled on it. It describes, in part, riding the T home from Boston. We’d gone to The Mapparium with a friend. It’s a bit stream of consciousness but enjoy anyway.

The flowers could be eaten or thrown in the fire. Same with ambition. The sweater cuffs are rolled, the sleeves too long. I can’t stay. Really, I can’t find my way home. An anthem from the 70’s:  Come down off your throne. Toss off the ermine-lined robe. As if you ever preferred being clothed. But the naked knees and throat make such easy targets. Groveling can be done in pants or not in pants. So can sex. The man pissing at the Hynes Auditorium T stop had a big rip in the rear of his denim pants — his dirty, wrinkled ass visible through the tear. Somehow the sight of that flesh disturbed more than the pee arcing out of his penis. Two of us grab a seat going west. “Get in the old car. Get in the old car.” Light flashes on cement near Fenway, between trees near Hammond Pond. Everything has a voice, a place. To whom do you speak? What chorus pours forth? She once gave a damn, now her eyes burn, sometimes from the cold, other times from the heat. The rib cage is rusty. It’s caked with flaky debris, oxidized from exposure. We go in. Then we go out. The singing bowl silent. The shoes cold when we slide them on in the morning. He used to chew shoes, the dog, but now he doesn’t. He still likes coat pockets redolent with the smell of treats though. Did you close the coat-closet door all the way? A clock announces a dance. I made myself write “dance” instead of “doom.” Too much death talk gets boring. Where are we? Three seconds to midnight? Eight? I plan to stitch lines of green thread while sitting next to a fire later and I hope my eyes won’t be burning then. I hope the dog will have left my parka alone. There will be no savage music for accompaniment, and by that I mean no news from the red, red, red inhabitants on The Hill. The flowers stab the sky with their beautiful fecundity. The rug, he says, captivates me. Have you listened even a little? To the eggs, sizzling in the pan, to the clack of a keyboard, to a bossy ticking clock? I will leave my shoes where you won’t trip over them because I’m nice that way. I can’t wait to have two front teeth again, the apparatus of waiting so cumbersome and it makes me lisp. “Find another Isaac,” we pronounce as if it were a simple finger-snapping matter. I too will die if I don’t keep writing. Really? Is that really true? The home and its distractions. For instance, making butternut ginger soup. Then almond biscotti. Then hummus. There’s dog hair to sweep up, always. I like to do it when the sun shines on the floor so that the retrieval of order is immediately observable. Then there are leaves and branches fallen out back, needing disposal. Stairs to vacuum. A toilet to swish. And a beckoning couch. You get the idea. There’s so much to do that is not writing that my hands burn, my hips too, and my eyes water. I can’t find my way home. Maybe home is nothing without a hand waggling ink across the legal pad. There, it announces, I exist. I’m coming down off my throne. I’m not talking about death. The flowers are not mine, not any of ours. They circle the heads of state and by heads of state, I mean the crowns of diplomats. Those flimsy collections of cells and intention, bartering, pressuring, ordering, judging – but with what intention, you ask, what intention? How to make building materials out of rubble, is a thing I heard on the way here. Gaza. Gaza. Gaza. One co-author dead. Covid. Covid. Covid. I can’t find my way home and I have a home. I struggle to imagine otherwise. The clock telling me to eat an orange, to laugh, goddamnit. Orchid breath, singing, bull brain, and mercury feet. Why not?

This video was recorded on 1/1/24. (Unless you see a recent one from Boulder like my husband does?)

Pics below from December 2023.

I look a little deranged.

Notes on Perez Morton

Sarah Wentworth Morton’s husband, Perez Morton, had an affair with her younger sister, Fanny. Fanny was living with the couple at the time. Was it consensual? Coerced? People speculate differently about that.

Time: 1787.

Background: Sarah and Fanny Wentworth were the offspring of a wealthy slave trader and moved in elite circles in post-revolutionary Boston. At this time, newspapers and novels were seeing a rise in both sentimental fiction and crime reporting.

1788: Fanny gave birth to a daughter. After the birth, Fanny killed herself. The daughter was shipped off to someone in Weston and as of yet, I haven’t found anything in the record about her. Newspapers published Fanny’s suicide note.

Fanny’s father wanted Perez indicted but John Adams intervened (yes! that John Adams). And there may have very nearly been a duel between Perez and one of the Wentworth brothers.

So there’s passion and controversy and scandal and at the center of it, a prominent lawyer and well-to-do member of Boston society. What to make of him?

I’ve been thinking of Perez Morton as a pompous ass (think: the insecure, egotistical cousin of the main character in Zadie Smith’s novel THE FRAUD). Morton became the grandmaster of the Masons. He was Attorney General for Massachusetts for many years. A prominent lawyer, in other words, one who had supported the revolution and garnered esteem from his peers. Still I didn’t like him, even if he didn’t coerce Fanny.

But then, just today, I found this hymn that Perez wrote (WHEN JESUS WEPT) and listened to a choral production of it and it kind of changed my mind about him.

Stray Sketches : Lucy (I)

 

 

Here are a couple of sketches written about Lucy Audubon. I was reading biographies when I wrote this post, by way of background.

 

Rebecca — a sketch
She is the daughter of a plantation owner in Louisiana. Her mother has hired Lucy as a tutor.

Rebecca’s even temper had a notable exception. She hated her younger sister — all that flashing warmth and dimples and approval. How without even trying she drew people to her, and not just any people, but young men, men with properties and approving parents. Sarah’s problem would not be attracting a husband, but rather trying to decide between the possibilities. The blonde tresses didn’t help either. Rebecca’s thick auburn hair by comparison seemed if not a liability, at least dull. Sarah had delicate wrists and a tiny waist and pinched her lips into a heart when trying to remember something — as if the cuteness of her pucker could compensate for the flimsiness of her mind. Rebecca stood a head taller than Sarah and tended toward sturdiness and rarely made a joke.

Of course, Rebecca capitalized on being the serious, thoughtful daughter, the one on whom her father could rely. Some comfort. Her mother kept a running inventory of fault and seemed to count “not being Sarah” as a fault. “Maybe you should ride that roan a little less often,” she’d admonish, as if avoiding horses would make her more willowy and compliant. It didn’t seem to register that Sarah also happened to be an accomplished equestrian. What girl of means in Beech Bayou was not? Her mother’s superficiality made her blind to Rebecca’s strengths, blind to matters beyond appearances and wealth and land. Eldest sons in the area, she kept apprised of. What interested Rebecca did not register at all.

And so, when Lucy was hired as a tutor in the fall of 18xx, it was with more than a little relief that Rebecca found herself a star. The makeshift classroom housed Sarah and her and a half dozen of their neighbors’ daughters. Even before the tutor took up residence in the little cabin past the alfalfa fields, Rebecca had found refuge in literature and history. The great British poets, biographies penned by Plutarch. But with Lucy’s attentive tutelage, she found her horizons widened, her intellect sharpened, and more importantly, she found herself recognized. She was a person of worth!

Lucy was too professional to let any preferences show, just as Rebecca well-hid her weary contempt for her younger sister. But they both found small and subtle ways to convey a warm mutual regard. Rebecca knew she was the favorite.

 

In the Early Dark

In the early dark, Lucy reached for him and found only the cool of the sheets and then remembered. A sick feeling. How Mrs. Rankin barged in late last night and caught them in passionate embrace! Apparently, a slave had seen James crossing the lawn towards the cottage sometime after midnight and awakened his mistress. They did not knock. The two of them stood in the doorway, illuminated by lantern light looking like ghouls from the Underworld. Mrs. Rankin shrieked – my Lord! You’d think she’d been struck or stung by venom.

Alone hours later, Lucy ran a finger across her collar bones remembering the ugly intrusion. How she’d sat up in horrified dismay holding the covers up to her neck as if there had been any dignity left to protect.

Much as Lucy would prefer never to see her employer again, she had no choice. But now Mrs. Rankin’s entitlement rankled more than ever. Acting as if Lucy living in her schoolhouse cottage and tutoring her daughters gave her broad and sweeping access to Lucy’s private life was almost too much to bear. And the judgment! Back in her day, did she not clutch at Master Rankin in the dark? Find herself surprised by pleasure? Perhaps not, come to think on it.

Tying the strings of her petticoat, buttoning her frock, brushing her hair, Lucy tried to restore herself — returning what was private to their hidden places beneath cloth. And James? In his rush to leave, he’d said only that he would head south, “into the bayou.” He’d dwell, Lucy presumed, somewhere else until such time as the stink and shame of Mrs. Rankin’s intrusion passed. Would it pass? Apart from the distasteful encounter, there was this: Lucy had once again lost her husband to the wilds. It hardly mattered that this time he ran away from something rather than towards something. He was, once again, absent. Lucy had no doubt his beloved birds would come to his rescue — distractions and passions not afforded her.

After a quick succession of taps, Nelly entered.

“Laundry day, Missus.” She nodded toward the bed. The slave’s quick look down told Lucy that she knew. Either Mrs. Rankin had told her or more likely, the man with the lantern had passed along the gossip. Then again, maybe she’d been roused by the shrieks and seen James slinking off, his crown of thick curls catching the moonlight. If so, she must have wondered at his haste, how he trotted along on his horse with only one arm in his jacket, head turning back in a gesture of fear and regret.

Regarding the linens? She could have at it! Let them be boiled in lye, rinsed, and freshened by sunlight! A literal washing away of the shameful taint.

Life went on.

That morning after lessons – today the Anglo Saxon and Norman invasions of Great Britain — the girls and Lucy headed to their favorite picnic spot. East of the classroom cottage and up on a slight knoll, grew one of the oldest live oaks on the plantation. A landmark. Lucy snapped open a damask cloth under its broad branches and behind the veils of Spanish moss. On occasion, they liked to sit there, have a few savories, and take in the view, enjoying whatever coolness the shade had to offer. The bugs pestered them but they made do, waving fans and hankies, laughter in between. The older girls were restless that day and for a change, Lucy knew why. The upcoming year-end celebration. Festivities being planned. But more, the engagement parties that would follow in quick succession.

Rebecca stood tall and sturdy and looked at the world like a puzzle to be solved. Calm. Deliberate. Perhaps her point of view was unusual for a plantation owner’s daughter, most of whom seemed to consider life a banquet being served them, the sole weight of decision being what to consume first. Quick at sums as well as Latin, there was no doubt that Rebecca would run a household with graceful efficiency, unlike the stiff and artless matron, her mother. That woman’s cold dictatorial brittleness endeared her to none.

Above photo attribution

Jan 26 reading

Well, it kind of was a blast. The space was packed and I got to see many faces I’d not seen in years. A very gratifying turnout.

Guna praising the heck out of me which is why my arms are crossed!

Who did I see? One of the boys’ elementary school teachers. A writing friend who dropped out of the Thursday class long ago. Friends from Arlington and Watertown. Neighbors from down the street, around the corner, and a friend from Maine. Parents from the boys’ elementary school days. My sister-in-law, with her friend. My therapist was there!

There was one young person there. Very mysterious. She stayed for the whole thing and at the book signing refused to supply her name. Who was she? And why the secrecy?

I’d say there were about 40 people there, 30 of whom I knew.

I brought a handwoven indigo cloth with me. Bought in Colorado years ago but probably from the west coast of Africa. Benin? Nigeria? It sat on my lap during the signing and the book group portion.

There were really good questions, lots of positive feedback (hard for me to take it all in, honestly), and very good snacks during the book group portion of the afternoon.

A few remarks? They learned a lot (x7). The writing was beautiful (x8). They liked how well-developed the characters were. There was an interesting layering to the story-telling.

Welp. While I was writing that paragraph, our water heater failed. I smell gas, Ken! Why do I smell gas, Ken?

And meanwhile, the upstairs furnace didn’t come on at all last night again. Discovery: sleeping in a 60 degree room is tolerable. It’s getting up in a room that cold that’s hard.

So what’s next? A roof collapse? Fridge failure?

Off goes husband to buy a new furnace. He’s installed the last three.